LionsGate Presents: Texas Chainsaw

 Evil Wears Many Faces

Welcome to the very first of my Five Star Cinema, reviews. You have to start somewhere and today I start in the horror section. Texas Chainsaw essentially recons all the previous sequels to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, and acts as a direct sequel to the 1974 Horror classic "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. First of all I want to say that the 3D in this film is entirely unneeded and is just away to make a few extra dollars from the Horror movie junkies. That being said lets do a review, and Here...We...Go!




The movie begins simply enough using footage from the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it starts out quickly with its jumps and scares, but is all too predictable you can only have Leatherface jump out with a chainsaw so many times before the opening credits before you stop jumping. Once we are done reminiscing with the '74 classic we pick up where it left off. The police arrive to apprehend the simple yet extremely violent Leatherface, which of course the family refuses to do. It's not long before a gang of vigilantes show up to perform their own brand of justice when they burn the infamous house to the ground. Killing all who are inside, or so we are lead to believe.

In one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen in a horror movie a new born infant somehow survives the fire that burns the house to the ground. Now, this is a plot devise that is used for the whole concept of the movie so I'll over look it for now, but there are more holes coming down the line. Everything is burnt to ash except for a few body parts and the infamous chainsaw that is taken as a trophy. Fast forward a good twenty years and we are introduced to the now grown up infant. Now going back to the fire it is clearly stated that the baby was badly burned, but clearly now, she is not. Nor is there any deference to it later on in the film. This is a tad lazy on their part but lets move on.

Of course within the first ten minutes of the film we get the erotic soft core sex scenes we come to expect from such film. Of course the main cast is the attractive, guys and girls typical from horror these days, we all know how much horror fans live the beautiful eyes, and bodies before they get chopped up. It takes about five minutes into the movie before Heather (The Child who survived the fire) learns that she is adopted, and against all warnings decides to go to Texas, you know, cuz thats the safest place to go. To Texas where an infamous killing spree took place, that everyone knows about just because you find out that you have inherited a large mansion. Not at all spooky, this could be any of a typical horror stories. The setup is the same as any slasher, ghost, or religious horror story. Not original in the least, which is pretty sad considering the time they had to make the film, and reckoning the entire story after the '74 classic.       

None of the characters have any depth whatsoever, the cast is the typical slut, macho man, obvious first to die, and heroine. The only person even slightly interesting is the main character Heather, again the severely burned child who now shows no signs of any burns at all. Unfortunately, this offers nothing new, and is your run of the mill, cash cow sequel. Remember the stereotypical guy who is obviously first to die? Yeah, he dies the first few hours within the house. Oh yeah, and remember how everyone died in that fire other than that baby? Somehow our good friend Leatherface is still hanging around and no one noticed I guess.Yup, and you guessed it, he's been hanging around in the new house that Heather inherited. How did he get there? How did he get in without the keys? Perhaps they built the house around him, like a ship in a bottle. Anyway, he's hiding deep in the basement, when our buddy the guy who obviously dies first... Dies.

Of course the film is filled with drug use and sex like you would expect from any film meant to just cash in on the title of a classic. Does it lead anywhere? Or have any purpose? No... but what horror fan doesn't like their drug use and sex? It's the first night in the house, and guess who's back? Leatherface, the biggest question still in my head is, how and why is he there? Where as he been for all these years? What has he been eating down there in the basement? Why did it take so long for the slutty cast member to get naked?

We are about 40 minutes into the film when Heather comes face to face with her cousin, Leatherface. Why he lets her live and leaves her on the floor... well... cuz. Then we find out just how much fun it is to cut someone in half in a basement. The odd part about all of this, is that the killings seem so random, he has no reason for what he is doing, no explanation has been given as to how he survived without anyone knowing, nor how he got into a locked house and lived in the basement for years without anyone knowing. Anyway, Heather is chased by Leatherface into the properties private grave yard, and like any logical human being tries to hide in the only open casket there is in the grave yard. Yup, the private grave yard had an empty grave with an empty coffin for no particular reason.

When the surviving three, including Heather who thought it was a good idea to hide in coffin try to leave, they find themselves locked inside the the property with the gate locked shut. The same gate that only Heather had the keys to, so again, Leatherface inside the house? Cuz its a movie that's why, as you would expect Leatherface prevents their escape with his nifty chainsaw that does all sorts of great things, and we lose yet again another meaningless member of the cast. I'm just surprised the slut has made it this long. Interestingly enough Leatherface sees to have superhuman strength as he uses his brute force to turn over the rolled over van. The one time simple chainsaw welding madman has become Jason Vorhees with a chainsaw.

About an hour into the movie, the police and vigilantes seem to have suddenly started asking the same questions I've been asking this whole time. They too seem to have no answers, but hey, at least they addressed it. As you would expect, a single police officer enters the home by himself with a camera phone... to give them a visual... That's new in police procedure. Again, a single police officer is entering the home, armed with a handgun, and a cell phone camera. Seems logical. Again as we relive the underground dungeon in the basement of the house, the sole officer giving a visual to his superior with his camera phone. How... and why is this here in this house? Heather seems to be getting the idea that she is the only living relative of Leatherface as she looks through police files like an expert.

Oh, there it is... The first surprise of the movie. As the sole officer finds a deep freezer in the dungeon, he opens it and the Slut is inside, she jumps up and the officer shoots her in the head out of basic instinct. Immediately after being told that it quote "Didn't happen" as if couldn't be proven she was killed with a policeman's firearm. Of course the officer is killed moments later by Leatherface, because he obviously wanted someone to see his toys before he killed him, he was obviously in the house the whole time. After gaining all the information she needs, she calls up a man who I had all but forgotten from earlier in the film, asking questions about the house and about the man in the basement. So there ya go, someone in the town knew he was down there, he just didnt feel the need to tell her about it when he handed her the keys. He apparently knew all along that Jed or as we all fondly call him "Leatherface" is her cousin, but neglected to tell her because... cuz.

Now apparently running from not only Leatherface, but from Burt Hartman. The man behind the vigilante squad that burnt the house to the ground, that only she and Leatherface conveniently survived. So who is the real hero here? Burt? Who got revenge on Leatherface back in '74 Ending the Chainsaw Massacre? Or Leatherface? The longer the story goes the more convoluted and twisted the story becomes. As Burt and the town full of shady townspeople take Heather hostage, somehow... Leatherface... becomes the hero? PLOT TWIST! He hears that she has been taken by the towns people and you can't help but cheer for Leatherface as he grabs his chainsaw ready to take down the now evil towns people. The story finally becomes original once it becomes twisted and hard to follow. Had this been the case from the beginning and not an hour and fifteen into the film, it would have been a far more fun watch.

It's still hard to imagine the villain from the original becoming a hero an hour into this film. Suddenly, all the Sawyers were actually heros back in '74? Now I realize the tag line to his film is "Evil wears many faces" which is a play on both Leatherface, as well as the townspeople becoming the villains. But it just takes far too long for the movie to become original and take its own direction. Suddenly, by the end, the motor of the chainsaw is welcome sound. Which is odd given the path the movie followed from the beginning. I have to praise the film for making something original near the end, but it takes almost the whole movie to get to that place. Heather finally reads the letter she was instructed to read at the beginning which would have made the film far more interesting had she done so. Yet it also makes the film confusing, it paints the picture that the Sawyer's are the hero's and not the villains they were in the first film. Leaving the final words saying that now "It's your time". Now is this prelude to a new Chainsaw Massacre where the Sawyer's remain the heroes? Or are they the villains yet again?

Final Thoughts...

The film was a fun yet completely unoriginal piece of Horror to cash in on the franchises name which had been brought back into light with the previously released "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning". But the sad part for me in all this, is that the film doesn't take one original turn until we are well past an hour into the movie. The plot twist is great yet confusing and makes it's connection to the 1974 original even that much more confusing. I want to say I liked the twist but it didn't just leave unanswered questions it opened new doors and new questions that should never have never had been needed to be answered. The more confusing it gets the more you lose your target audience. It was unoriginal until it wasn't and then it was as much confusing as it was fun. Overall I didn't hate the film, but it was far from what I expected to get.

Final Rating: 2.5 outa 5