Welcome To Crystal Lake
Today, on Monday the 5th I'm going to tackle New Line Cinema's "Friday the 13th" (2009 Remake) I'm gonna go ahead and jump back to the horror genera for the night, the horror junkies just can't seem to get enough. My previous two horror reviews "Texas Chainsaw" direct squeal to the original and the 2010 remake of "A Nightmare on Elmstreet" always seems to have more and more pops every day. So I'll give the people what they want, a little more horror as we go after another horror remake. This ended up being a mashup re-imagining of the first four films in the original series. This has all the makings of the "Nightmare" remake that I reviewed earlier. Will it walk down the same road and have the same fate as Freddy? Or will Jason survive where Freddy failed? How many sets of tits will we see in this Friday? Friday's are always good for tits. Anyway, I digress it's time to review! So... Here... WE... GO!
Now another little switcheroo here is that Jason picks up the machetee from the very beginning those of you who know the Friday movies like back of your hand know he didnt get his machete till Friday 3 but since we are mashing all this together into one, I see no problem with this. It gets off to a pretty quick start and clearly shows that this film is about Jason. So points on the board right off the bat, and we havent even hit the opening title yet. "Kill for Mother" find his motivation straight away and if you know the behind the scenes producers notes, the infamous Jason echo is "Kill Kill Kill Ma Ma Ma" ala Kill for Mother. So nice stuff there. We reopen present day at Crystal Lake with your typical horror movie crew. A very attractive cast, but would you expect anything less from a horror remake? Straight off the bat we find out that they are going to be smoking weed, so those fools are already dead, if there is two things that Jason really hates its drugs and pre-marital sex. He should have been the poster boy for abstinence and a drug free America! So when we almost immediately hit night time you know the tits are coming out, thats just how Friday the 13th movies go. So if you're not a red blooded American man who loves titties then this film is not for you.
Apparently the camp has been closed since the death of Jason's mother or at least that's what we are being told right now, which immediately flips the script on the previous Friday's because the camp was always up and running in the oldies. Now this could just be all for nothing, its entirely possible we will fastfoward and find the camp up and running again. Anyway, we are around the campfire telling ghost stories about the scene we just witnessed, this is more to develop the characters than for the viewer because of course we already saw it. But bravo to them for character development. Now lets just see if it means anything at all. They all blow off the story as some ancient ghost story, and we move on to some rather entertaining joking and messin around. The acting is above average for this sort of thing, I have high hopes it starting off better than most. For all of it's cliche horror tricks it's pulled off rather well, and hey the titties are far above average, so for that alone Friday will get itself at least a half star extra. However, for the campers, it means certain death.
The only guy who appears to be safe wonders off into the woods alone, you think "Hey, even though he's out all alone, Jason won't kill this guy, he's a good guy." Well, then he spots some pot leaves growing wild in the forest, well that means goodbye for him, poor guy. All he wanted to do is smoke a little refer. Jason's face is bagged at first which is a nice little toss back to Friday Part 2 and part of 3 it is really nice to see them start without the hockey mask. Now that the only person that we have any emotional tie to is dead, we follow around the rest of the crew, all of whom are certain to die. I have yet to see anyone of these step up as the heroine of the film, which means that all our opening scene characters are certain to die. We will then reopen with a new cast of characters, we get a nice small little sex scene which ensures the death of at least two more people, and the last two are going through Jason's things back in his little shanty. Everyone is going to die, that's how this shit works. We will soon have a new cast of characters, count on it. Bag face Jason grabs our girl with the tits and finds a very creative way to kill her. This is something more likely to be seen from Freddy not Jason, but it very fresh. I've already forgotten all of their names because I know none of them matter, this scene was set up specifically to show you how the rest of the film will flow should you not follow Jason's rules. Our friendly girl with the tits is hung above the fire in a sleeping bag, unable to get out, while her boyfriend watches from a bear trap. Not something that screams Jason! But very fresh, and so early in the film with character's that dont matter, I hope the movie continues on it's upward swing.
So now we are left with only two, they find Mommy's head and well, that's never a good thing in a Jason movie. Within seconds they are introduced to the machete... Like I said, each and everyone of them are certain to die. Currently this is also bag faced Jason, which I have to say I really am happy them went with bag face for at least the opening scene.
Wow... I was under the impression that we were going to get a credit's title, but that was our opening title scene. We get the opening title after about 15-20 minutes filled with action into the movie. Let's continue with the upswing and keep moving on. We find our first hero about two minutes after the opening title, a young man looking for his missing sister, now my memory is pretty poor, but it is entirely possible that his sister is or was one of the opening scene victims. Either way, he is obviously headed for Crystal Lake. Behind him is the macho asshole with the sweet innocent girlfriend and the token black dude. Only thing we are missing is the slut, but since the opening scene was packed full of them, if we dont have anymore we already had our quota of sluts for the film, and they all died first, so bravo. Surprisingly there is a much larger crew than what I first expected, which should only make Jason's body count higher so nothing wrong with that. It would appear that our opening cast did indeed have a purpose as many people are looking for them, so look at that, even the meaningless characters actually mean something. Remaker's take some notes because this is how it is done. Granted our new cast is pretty much as meaningless as our first set accept for Mr. Hero but the story is actually developing and the fact that it has a story with any continuity means they actually tried to do something with this other than just cash in on the name. The Freddy remake was made was done not long after this, not quite a full year, and they would have been good to take notes here because in the first half hour we have a far stronger film then the entire Freddy Remake. So on Freddy vs Jason, Jason clearly wins, because a half hour of his film beats the entire Freddy remake. (Freddy vs Jason Movie Review to come soon)
Our hero is informed that his missing sister isnt missing, she is dead. Because people who go missing around here arent missing they are dead. It's just how it is, the lady is creepy and seems to know all too well about Jason. She plays her small part to perfection, as the crazy old lady who knows too much. The rest of the "deaders" as I will refer to them as are partying up in the woods at Mr. Ritchy Macho's Cabin. Doing, well what everyone who dies at Crystal Lake does, drink, drugs, and sex. The only pure one is Mr. Macho's girlfriend, and I'm not quite sure if she is our heroine yet or not. Oh.. and we have a new set of sluts on our hands which means more tits, like I said, Friday's are always good for tits. So if you and your buddies want a free show, pop this sucker in and you will get the best sets that money can buy. They spared no expense at finding the best sets of boobs on the market for this film. Pretty sure our slutty characters were chosen not by their acting ability but by the size and shape of their breasts. We even get some tits in a Hustler magazine, New Line knew what their core audience just expects it.
Our hero... who ignores the creepy old woman's warnings continues to search for his dead sister. I mean come on, if a creepy old lady says she is dead, then she's dead. Macho Man's girlfriend invites our hero in to join the crew, but Macho Man is none to happy about it. It's starting to become clear that she is going to be more interested in our hero than Macho Man. Macho Man is a dick, which clearly meas he's a deader. Hero is nice and a hero, which means at the very least he will make it through till the end, it's best for her if she stays with our hero, she'll live longer. So, we find ourselves with the man I will call "Hillbilly Jim" on account we never learn his name, and he's a hillbilly and his only purpose is to turn Jason from bagface Jason into Hockey Mask Jason. Hey, ya had to do it somehow, and why not with a meaningless hillbilly? The scene becomes important when Jason finds his hockey mask so there ya go, similarly as "Nightmare" had specific scenes just to make Freddy look awesome, this plays the same game, except it means more because Hillbilly Jim's death means we get the hockey mask. So Kill-Kill-Kill Ma-Ma-Ma Jason gets a look at himself in the mirror and DUNDUNDUN! Now we are cookin with gas!
Our hero is taking a hike with the Macho Man's girl, who I can only assume is going to switch sides to last longer. So she is our heroine, I need to play more attention because I know our hero's name is Clay but I haven't the faintest idea what her name is. In an attempt to keep it simple I'll give you a tit counter at the end of the film it'll just be easier that way. Jason shoots douchebag number 2 with a bow and arrow! Way to go Jason! Showin off his SKILLS! Creative kills everywhere around every corner, we are treading very nicely on the stormy waves of remakes, just being a remake alone makes it hard to be a good film, because you are already from the first title sequence considered to be inferior to the original. This is stacking up nicely though, and as long as it continues down it's forward path it will finish strong. Tittie girl #2 gets it with a machete to the head from under the dock, simple yet satisfying but she was a deader from the moment she took off her top.
Now I realize our Hero Clay is far better company than Mr. Macho her boyfriend, but why isnt her boyfriend the least bit concerned that his girlfriend is off in the woods with this dude he really hates? Real winner there... Our hero doesnt blink an eye as Jason approaches, I mean he runs and hides, cuz he's not stupid, but he doesnt seem the least bit out of control, she is probably best with our hero, she will definitely live much longer. Clay doesnt come across as overly confident either, he plays it just perfect, he knows something terribly wrong is happening but he doesn't lose his head, in both the figurative and literal sense. Jason seems to have taken over the whole entire camp as he walks around like he owns the place... because he probably literally owns the place. These two make a great pair, hero and heroine. Our hero says we need to follow him, on account he is obsessed with finding his sister and he knows that our machete wielding madman is his first clue in finding her, this would have surely gotten him killed. Our heroine, quickly talks sense into him by saying, "He has a dead body we need to leave" See? How hard is that? Quick thinking logic, it doesn't have to be everyone is stupid and can't figure this out. The two of them work wonderfully as a pair and this film is headed down victory lane as far as horror remakes go.
PLOT TWIST! And a good one at that, Jason didn't kill Clay's sister he took her captive, because of her resemblance to his dead mother. This is a bit of a toss back to Friday Part 2 when there was a similar reversal where Jason thought the heroine was his mother because of the resemblance. During this scene, we find that Jason has set more than a few traps for the campers who come and go from his camp. He's even seen sharpening his machete which clearly shows intelligence there, he's not the mindless zombie of yesteryear and this is nice and fresh for the series. He's even got Clay's sister locked up in shackles, this is clearly a far more intelligent Jason than in previous films. What I am literally loving here, is that one of our seemingly meaningless characters from early in the film is now one that we are deeply involved in, we care about deeply because Clay (Our Manly Hero) has been searching for her and refuses to accept the fact that she is dead. I find myself actually caring about the people in this film, which is what you HAVE to have in a horror film. Now of course we are gonna get some more blood from our "Deaders" but the fact that they have the viewer this involved with three characters is great.
You know what I just realized? One of our "Deaders" is also a cameo "Deader" in the 2010 remake of "Nightmare on Elmstreet" So he literally gets to be killed by the reincarnation of two horror movie icons. He's a made man for life, who else can say they got killed by both Freddy AND Jason in two different remakes? The Deaders are terrible they have no morals whatsoever, Mr. Macho is about to leave to go fuck Slut #3 while his good girl, girlfriend is out with good guy Clay and he doesn't care in the least. Our good girl, doesn't seem to be able to put two and two together when they tell her that her boyfriend went to the bedroom with another girl, but hey she's a good girl and is clearly smart enough to outsmart Jason when the time comes. She's just not smart enough to know that her boyfriend is a complete loser who didnt care at all that she left, and went off and fucked another girl while she was out... But arent all the best good girls a little naive? Our Double Deader is killed by Jason with a screwdriver through the throat, we never really get to see how Freddy kills him, he's on camera when he dies and we never see what's inside his head.
It's too bad... Clay's Sister shows up at the house just in time for Jason to grab her. She wont die, she reminds him of his mommy. Our token black guy Deader is about to meet his fate as he heads out to look for his friend. Our douche bag Macho Man comes out after just having fucked Slut #3 and has the brains in his head to yell at his girlfriend for running off with our hero Clay... Douchebag 101 class... Now back to our token black guy pot smoking deader, Jason shows some more creativity as he throws an axe end over end and nails our next deader square in the back while at the same time using him as bait. So much more than you would expect from out mindless machete wielding zombie of yesteryear. Right as we lead into the home stretch you can literally feel the tension and suspense, not something I expected when I started this movie. Our next Deader, Slut #3 is killed off next, if you're keeping score at home Jason's body count is now at 9, now that's pretty high for a film that has you emotionally invested in the characters. I'll touch more on that in my final thoughts, but as it stands right now Jason's body count is at 9 and we have 4 people left, our hero and our heroine, Mr. Macho, and Clay's Sister/Jason's pretend Mommy. A policeman has shown up to save the day and will no doubt add to Jason's body count, but hey at this point Jason's body count is just a hair behind the tittie count, and we are still having a good time so lets see where this takes us.
It takes Jason about five seconds to kill our policeman who showed up to save the day, Jason's body count is now at 10 people! TEN! Now while this MAY seem like a bad thing it is infact a good thing. More on that later... You can actually feel the tension and suspense as it goes, it doesnt feel forced or phony, Jason continues to surprise you with the creative and thought provoking things he does, rather than just slash and gash. At this point he's got you so convinced that he could literally be anywhere at any time, a truck rushes past Mr. Macho and a hand from inside the truck waves him to come up to the window, both myself the viewer as well as Mr. Macho think that this could ACTUALLY be Jason! As we wait to find out, Jason then jumps out and machete's Mr. Macho, which is none to creative but the fact that we thought he was actually driving the truck is money for the people making this movie. AFTER he machete's Macho he impales him on the back of the truck as the truck drives away, nice Jason, very nice. You never leave me disappointed in this shocker of a remake.
So now we are down to just two, well three with Jason's pretend Mommy who survived the pre-opening title murders. Showing us even more of Jason's mind, he brought Clay's Sister back to his little run down shanty and locked her back up, her likeness to his mother is all that saves her from Jason's wrath. Through all of this, with all the deaders gone, and now left with the final three remaining characters I find myself very drawn to them, and really caring what is about to happen to them, fearing that Jason might take one of them away from me. Three emotionally invested characters at the end? Bravo... Showing even MORE of Jason's psyche we get to see the underground tunnels he created under the cabins to his underground happy place. Jason did all of this... Jason... JASON! And it's they have set it up so masterfully you can believe that Jason did all this.
And just as I feared all along, literally feared... they take away one of the character's that you want so badly to make it. Our heroine, (whom I never caught her name) gets macheted through the chest as they are about to make their escape. They masterfully built up these three characters and then took one of them away from us, and you find yourself shouting NO! Just as she takes the machete though the chest. So now we are left with only two, our hero (Clay) and one of the people we cared about the least at the beginning and now care about the most at the end, masterfully done. Jason shows up and grabs Clay from behind, and now given that he has already killed one of our favorite girls already, it's all too possible that our beloved hero who has done everything right from the get go, might also be on his way to the grave as well. Will he get away? Does ANYONE get away? Now I'm perplexed and I just dont know what to think anymore. I'm almost in disbelief at how fresh, edgy, and unpredictable this movie is, aside from the deaders of course, but those are just for body count, and he did each of them in with such creativity.
Clay appears to be dead, but I wouldn't count him out just yet, but it appears we are down to Jason... and his pretend mommy. Now normally this would still probably save her from Jason's wrath but then she attacks him with a prophetic "FUCK YOU" and mommy would never do that! So now she's on the chopping block as well. Just as I suspected Clay survived his brush with Jason and now they are chased into Hillbilly Jim's barn we were introduced to earlier, the same barn where he found his infamous hockey mask, ya see what they are doing here? This is the stuff movie magic is made out of... Our final scene begins in the barn where he found the mask, Jason jumps through a window grabbing Clay from behind, our hero actually has a good back and forth and holds his own against Jason, which is rather impressive yet at the same time believable. Jason gets the upper hand and tries to shove Clay's face into a wood chipper... its a pretty intimidating site from the inside out, and you have to admire Clay's fortitude to never back down to Jason even in the face of certain death. Remember this was all to save his sister.
In a toss back to Friday part 2 Clay's Sister, who looks like Jason's beloved Mommy has Jason convinced its okay to stop now, that Mommy is proud of him. For all of Jason's new creative and intellectual gifts he is still such a Momma's boy, but once a Momma's boy always one I suppose. During this time of momentary weakness Clay jumps Jason from behind and attacks him with one of Jason's own bear traps from earlier, latching it to his back as they wrap the chain around his neck, the chain getting thrown into the chipper hanging up like a noose. Part of the chain breaks and the noose is no more but the chain is still in the chipper and is slowly pulling Jason in, could this be the end of Jason??? With the way this movie is going anything could happen at this point. As Jason tries to fight his way out of the chipper, he gets the old, "Say hello to Mommy! In HELL!" and then gets Macheted himself as he falls limp apparently dead. What the hell is going on here??? Now, lets pretend like we dont already know that Jason has been knifed and machete'd so many times we lost count and still came back. Makes this scene that much more amazing, but I dont for one second actually think Jason is dead, as long as his body isnt all chewed up in that chipper dude's still ticking. But lets not forget the value of this barn, it's the same place where he found his identity and it was his ending place. Not a thing without value.
Camp Crystal Lake is now quiet for the first time since the movie began and it's almost a sigh of relief from the endless tension and suspense, and I mean that without any sarcasm at all. For some reason... unknown to all of us, they dont let Jason get chopped up in the chipper, they drag his heavy ass to the dock and push him into the lake. Now I would usually knock this because of the ending that was so perfect in the barn, but he found his identity in the barn, and then lost it. He was born coming out of that water, after he drowned, and that is where they laid him to rest. We get an excellent shot of Jason's mask on the rockbed under the water with the Jason chime ever so quietly in the background. We think it's all over, but if the originals taught us anything... It's never over... and in typical Friday the 13th fashion Jason jumps out from the water and grabs Clay's Sister right as we roll credits!
Tittie Count = 11
Jason's Body Count = 12
Final Thoughts
The first thing I want to talk about is Jason's body count, now while 12 might seem like a crazy high number for a "Good" slasher, this time his ultra high kill count actually was good for the movie, and here's why. While they were spending a great deal of time building up the character's and making us emotionally invested in three main characters, one of which we lose, another we almost lose twice, and a third that seemed meaningless at the beginning but became the most important character of them all. This was masterfully done, while we were building character's we had a seemingly endless supply of deaders to keep us entertained with a growing kill count. The deaders were not flat and completely uninteresting most of them were very entertaining, even though they had very little value to the film. Their value was the nonstop action the film had from start to finish, it was like a sprint to the finish line and I was blown away at what they achieved with this film. Being a remake alone makes it hard to really put out quality material that is fresh, brings something new to the iconic character while still remaining true to who the character is. This film achieved all of that and more, I feel it was not as "Mash" of films 1-4 but more of a free flowing "Mesh" of all of the together while telling it's own story. I honestly was completely shocked at how good this film was, especially since the remake of "Nightmare" came after it from the same production company. "Friday the 13th" (2009) is a MUST HAVE for any Friday fans, it's better than any of the sequels and puts films like Jason X and even Freddy vs Jason to shame. This is the first time I've given one of these out since I started this but out of PaulY's five stars "Friday the 13th" (2009) gets a perfect score.
Final Rating:
*PERFECT* 5 out 5
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